Some of this will be difficult to hear, Joann...

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Joann, I'm sure you've heard the popular phrase, "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" and I believe in that... So I'm going to deliver this somewhat upsetting news with plenty of sugary encouragement! First though, the "medicine" you need to hear. I'm sorry to tell you this, Joann, but I think you've been cursed. It's really the only explanation for the disparity between what your November 17th astral chart says you should have (prosperity, serenity, social status, perfect health) and what you do have (difficulties, anxieties, loneliness, health worries).

This curse may have been following you for YEARS, diverting the goodness the stars and planets indicate is your birthright!

Okay, that's the end of the bad news, Joann... Now let's get to the sugar! The good news is, now that we've identified what the problem is, it's not difficult to repair! I've broken curses before, and now I can help you break yours.

Trust me, Joann,
you're going to love this!

I contacted my trusted friend Bernard, a renowned esoteric scholar and world traveller, about your case, and he's willing to send a rare and precious Tibetan artifact he secured during one of his adventures.

With this 7-Fold secret,
your curse will be lifted!

Bernard owes me a favor, Joann, because I helped him cure a curse put on him by a jealous rival a few years ago. I'm calling in that favor for you and getting you this artifact. I hope you like it (I actually know you will)!

Your Devoted Friend and Committed Spiritual Adviser,